in due time

...everything runs its course.


things go back to the way they were. i'm back here waffling. i have nothing to give to anyone.
guys are lame here though- no thanks!


just because i let you massage me doesn't mean you're moving in. go home!
the only one i want is _____ and he is crazy.
yum!

If the writing is good, it is such a pleasure.

If the writing is bad, get it out.

this must be new to me! i have lost it!

come in to my world, my mind, and my keyboard. See the dust settled.

inhale one strong breath and blow for me. blow onto me, into my lungs, until they open for you.

i want to get pumped up by you, and your life force! Be generous to me and i’ll heal you too. I need to be cared for, to be pushed. i’m dying to be on fire again. please don’t let this computer die, or my mind wither. my organs are starved of creative life. i need it back, i twitch inside my mind until i fall asleep, and then i twitch in my dreams. Iiam dying in the desert, it’s a five, six, seven year draught. please, water me.

this is such amazing pain, and such fun to reread. these exercises bring me back, they do! ive been writing again! and reading ________’s blog, a joy, like two kids doing what they have always wanted to do, only older now and on the cusp of a new decade. i’m thirty years old and that means nothing anymore. it used to mean fear, or being uncomfortable. NOW IT IS NOTHING. no, i’m not afraid. i’ve seen older people that hate themselves but i will just keep writing, beucase when i stop, that’s when i’m afraid. i can’t keep going on these fumes. i’m time travelling back five, six, seven years. Ii love to travel, but this is not for pleasure, it’s for my life. it’s for meaning, for intensity, for feeling. it’s for wanting to be alive again. it’s for every minute i haven’t wanted to do anything. Ii’s for not caring. it’s for thirst, and it’s for me,and i'll bring it back to you.

even a big change seems easy at the exact second you make up your mind. but that second is only the spark that sets the fire. it seems like an inspired, logical thing (whatever it is you've decided to do) and actually, it is. but sometimes your whole life will get shuffled around as a result of that second. you may want to turn around and go back...mom, take me home!...but keep on it and things come to you. i just keep telling myself that over and over. right now i'm at my computer with a heavy gold chain around my neck and my computer on my lap. my eyes are smudged with eyeliner and i'm pretty sure some of it is smeared around my face, since i've been swiping at my eyes periodically. i've just had a "second" a few minutes ago. i'm already mourning the things in my past that i will let go. i'm ready to explain to people why i've made a change. i'm letting go of someone i love and i am terrified of doing this. i don't want him to be with anyone else. i don't want to hurt him. i don't want to move on, i'm scared, so scared that i will never again experience the feelings i've experienced with him. but i know everything in life is timing. that, and commitment. and work. i'm not there, i can't find a second to change my life to the extent i need to be with him. i'm going to be alone in my heart for a while, and keep people at arms length. i was a told i do this the other day. it's  very true. i don't want anyone but _____. haven't since i met him really, it's eery. soulmates you could say if you were a person inclined to use cliches, which i try not to be. but i digress, this is not about him, but about the experience i am having right now, calming down writing, here with watery eyes and a heavy heart and a strange, distracting throbbing in my _____, the old compulsions making their way to the surface already. i'm alone for now, except when i let people in for a while, but then i send them back again after i'm done- i must see someone for these sociopathic tendencies. one day. until then, i am releasing and relaxing and contracting in pain when i remember the one i let go, in that curious little second that was the catalyst for who knows what.

damn u

not just a prince song anymore.
a state of mind! goddamn it, you occupy so much of my time. my head is clanging with you.
i can't even write anymore or paint or draw
well i can
i just don't make the time. i want to

imagine
if we lived together it would be horrible. i'm just convinced of this. we're so immature
you make me want to strange you, you're so irrational!
but sexy...
and funny. you're getting older and you're still up for many things.

i'm getting older too.
but i just want to be alone, and see you often, and
listen to you sleeping a few nights a week but miss you the other nights
since it's what i'm used to. it doesn't bother me being alone.
there are always people to call who make me feel good.

most of the time i'm working for them- my friends are gorgeous but exhausting
i work for you as well
you are the most high maintenence person i've ever met
i must love it though?

delish

passion you can't fake