that is me with a jamaican accent.
i'm wearing a rainbow hat with dreadlocks stitched onto it and no clothes and i've jacked the heat up
to 32 degrees and my living room windows have fake sunshine scenes mounted and i covered my couch in towels and rented a dumptruck.
earlier today, i drove the truck to the beach and filled it with a shitload of sand. i almost got caught by the parks board but i was wearing an orange reflector vest i found in a dumpster, plus a fake mustache which is glued on very securely (i only had superglue at home) so i looked legit.
i backed the truck into the lane and spent a few hours carrying buckets of sand into my apartment, scattering it layer upon layer until it was a foot high, and then i formed it into a crescent shape. i sat down and rested for an hour until it was dark.
i went across the street to my neighbour's yard and, as quietly as possible, sawed off a tree i had picked out earlier in the week. it was about a foot thick- perfect. not too much sap either, and since it is winter, no pesky leaves. i dragged it off their lawn, weaving back and forth so they would not know which direction i was headed once i got it on the sidewalk. once inside and positioned on the sand, it was a perfect beach log.
i ran warm bath full force until it overflowed, and i watched with glee as water rushed out of my bathroom, down the hall, and into the living room. it took several hours for only a few inches of ocean, but the crescent of sand held up beautifully, as i knew it would. i waded through and used half a bottle of blue food colouring creating the perfect "caribbean hue".
lights, camera, action: on went the heat lamps (stolen from sears- no one checks the patio department in the off season), on went the 30 spf (you can never be too careful) and on went the bikini bottoms (i threw care to the wind and went topless). blender drinks for one are so much fun! and who doesn't love bob marley.
i'm never getting a roommate. i've always found them to be neat freaks.
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