oh hell yes
Monday, November 7, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
even a big change seems easy at the exact second you make up your mind. but that second is only the spark that sets the fire. it seems like an inspired, logical thing (whatever it is you've decided to do) and actually, it is. but sometimes your whole life will get shuffled around as a result of that second. you may want to turn around and go back...mom, take me home!...but keep on it and things come to you. i just keep telling myself that over and over. right now i'm at my computer with a heavy gold chain around my neck and my computer on my lap. my eyes are smudged with eyeliner and i'm pretty sure some of it is smeared around my face, since i've been swiping at my eyes periodically. i've just had a "second" a few minutes ago. i'm already mourning the things in my past that i will let go. i'm ready to explain to people why i've made a change. i'm letting go of someone i love and i am terrified of doing this. i don't want him to be with anyone else. i don't want to hurt him. i don't want to move on, i'm scared, so scared that i will never again experience the feelings i've experienced with him. but i know everything in life is timing. that, and commitment. and work. i'm not there, i can't find a second to change my life to the extent i need to be with him. i'm going to be alone in my heart for a while, and keep people at arms length. i was a told i do this the other day. it's very true. i don't want anyone but _____. haven't since i met him really, it's eery. soulmates you could say if you were a person inclined to use cliches, which i try not to be. but i digress, this is not about him, but about the experience i am having right now, calming down writing, here with watery eyes and a heavy heart and a strange, distracting throbbing in my _____, the old compulsions making their way to the surface already. i'm alone for now, except when i let people in for a while, but then i send them back again after i'm done- i must see someone for these sociopathic tendencies. one day. until then, i am releasing and relaxing and contracting in pain when i remember the one i let go, in that curious little second that was the catalyst for who knows what.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
damn u
not just a prince song anymore.
a state of mind! goddamn it, you occupy so much of my time. my head is clanging with you.
i can't even write anymore or paint or draw
well i can
i just don't make the time. i want to
imagine
if we lived together it would be horrible. i'm just convinced of this. we're so immature
you make me want to strange you, you're so irrational!
but sexy...
and funny. you're getting older and you're still up for many things.
i'm getting older too.
but i just want to be alone, and see you often, and
listen to you sleeping a few nights a week but miss you the other nights
since it's what i'm used to. it doesn't bother me being alone.
there are always people to call who make me feel good.
most of the time i'm working for them- my friends are gorgeous but exhausting
i work for you as well
you are the most high maintenence person i've ever met
i must love it though?
delish
a state of mind! goddamn it, you occupy so much of my time. my head is clanging with you.
i can't even write anymore or paint or draw
well i can
i just don't make the time. i want to
imagine
if we lived together it would be horrible. i'm just convinced of this. we're so immature
you make me want to strange you, you're so irrational!
but sexy...
and funny. you're getting older and you're still up for many things.
i'm getting older too.
but i just want to be alone, and see you often, and
listen to you sleeping a few nights a week but miss you the other nights
since it's what i'm used to. it doesn't bother me being alone.
there are always people to call who make me feel good.
most of the time i'm working for them- my friends are gorgeous but exhausting
i work for you as well
you are the most high maintenence person i've ever met
i must love it though?
delish
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
animal
the animal i am
i want more all the time
are you this way?
help me to slow down the hunger
i devour the sidewalk i walk upon
i'm so fucking hungry
for more
when i come toward you with my smile
like an automatic weapon
i love you though
i don't mean to
hurt
but i like to so much
sometimes
it's so delicious
and so undeniable
i want more all the time
are you this way?
help me to slow down the hunger
i devour the sidewalk i walk upon
i'm so fucking hungry
for more
when i come toward you with my smile
like an automatic weapon
i love you though
i don't mean to
hurt
but i like to so much
sometimes
it's so delicious
and so undeniable
Thursday, July 7, 2011
though i have eaten salmon and occasionally other seafood over the past four years (since quitting all other meats and dairy), i have been passive about voicing my opinion to others about their meat consumption. i figure if they want to eat animals, there is nothing i can do about it. everyone wants to strangle the self-righteous vegetarian, and no one likes to know what it is they are actually putting in their mouths.
no one cares! it's so easy not to care.
we grow up thinking it is necessary to eat animals. that it is a sign of prosperity, and that it is delicious.
i used to cook pork chops and steaks for my ex-boyfriend when we lived together. i never liked eating the meat. i ate it because he "needed" it- he felt "weird" when he didn't eat meat with every meal. in my experience, this is not uncommon among men. i have a few girlfriends who love a charcuterie plate more than a good session of pussy eating.
and how judgmental we are of others.
vegetarians and vegans are, in my opinion, not as bad as the meat eaters!
we may hear a guy from alberta say he hates people who don't eat steak: sumthin' wrong with 'em.
my ex mother in law was from wisconsin, the dairy state. she covered everything in arm's length with a pound of butter and cheddar cheese. she was a fat, moody crier.
i grew up on the west coast of canada. i like salmon. it's dark orange-red, clean. these are the associations i have. it makes you feel good, it's "brain food".
it's still... a dead animal.
untreated by antibiotics (wild salmon, anyway), out of the cold waters an hour away. not raised in a stall in the dark, starved, medicated, injected, defeated, untouched, prodded, abused, filled with fear and wildness, before dying in a surge of adrenelin and desperation that fills every cell with the pain of its life before it hits your plate....
...but an animal nonetheless.
i can rationalize any way i want. so can you. but the reality is, we have no excuse anymore. with the availability of information at our fingertips we should be ashamed that to eat an animal is to vote for death. this torture is the very example of luxury, success, good business. globalization. millions of animals slaughtered to feed our fat mouths and the mouths of our children. to be educated about the fuel that powers your body is true power.
steaks, filets, chops, breasts, sausages, casseroles, stews, mince. our intestines clogged with the decaying flesh of any animal that in its natural setting would be grazing, snuffling, running, nudging, breeding, swimming, pecking, frolicking, raising its babies. for what- so we can get cancer in our 40's, even 30's? so we can be sluggish, fat, "tired", medicated, processed, wrapped in cling wrap and frozen?
our heads are up our own asses. removal would be so easy, but like europeans ignoring the holocaust becuase admitting reality would be too hard to live with, we continue to consume, and vote with our dollars everyday in favour or enslavement, torture and slaughter of innocent animals.
no one cares! it's so easy not to care.
we grow up thinking it is necessary to eat animals. that it is a sign of prosperity, and that it is delicious.
i used to cook pork chops and steaks for my ex-boyfriend when we lived together. i never liked eating the meat. i ate it because he "needed" it- he felt "weird" when he didn't eat meat with every meal. in my experience, this is not uncommon among men. i have a few girlfriends who love a charcuterie plate more than a good session of pussy eating.
and how judgmental we are of others.
vegetarians and vegans are, in my opinion, not as bad as the meat eaters!
we may hear a guy from alberta say he hates people who don't eat steak: sumthin' wrong with 'em.
my ex mother in law was from wisconsin, the dairy state. she covered everything in arm's length with a pound of butter and cheddar cheese. she was a fat, moody crier.
i grew up on the west coast of canada. i like salmon. it's dark orange-red, clean. these are the associations i have. it makes you feel good, it's "brain food".
it's still... a dead animal.
untreated by antibiotics (wild salmon, anyway), out of the cold waters an hour away. not raised in a stall in the dark, starved, medicated, injected, defeated, untouched, prodded, abused, filled with fear and wildness, before dying in a surge of adrenelin and desperation that fills every cell with the pain of its life before it hits your plate....
...but an animal nonetheless.
i can rationalize any way i want. so can you. but the reality is, we have no excuse anymore. with the availability of information at our fingertips we should be ashamed that to eat an animal is to vote for death. this torture is the very example of luxury, success, good business. globalization. millions of animals slaughtered to feed our fat mouths and the mouths of our children. to be educated about the fuel that powers your body is true power.
steaks, filets, chops, breasts, sausages, casseroles, stews, mince. our intestines clogged with the decaying flesh of any animal that in its natural setting would be grazing, snuffling, running, nudging, breeding, swimming, pecking, frolicking, raising its babies. for what- so we can get cancer in our 40's, even 30's? so we can be sluggish, fat, "tired", medicated, processed, wrapped in cling wrap and frozen?
our heads are up our own asses. removal would be so easy, but like europeans ignoring the holocaust becuase admitting reality would be too hard to live with, we continue to consume, and vote with our dollars everyday in favour or enslavement, torture and slaughter of innocent animals.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
things were better back then
right now i'm like an old man stroking my wife's disgusting veiny hand and staring into space, mumbling about how much i miss the days of yore....only i'm by myself wearing shorts that are possibly illegal (definitely not arab-friendly) and alone, as usual, with the hum of the fridge.
LOOK AT HER. I MEAN, JUST LOOK!!!!
![]()
the hair, the face, the breasts, the voice, the jumpsuit. the lack of gameplaying with the lens. the talent that you can feel, the emotion.
dude....THINGS WERE BETTER BACK THEN!
or were they??
uhhh..psssshaaaa, when it came to living in vancouver you bet your ass they were.
i've grown up hearing the stories; you and your stoner friends each throwing in 50 bucks a month to rent a seaside mansion; nude beach inspired orgies; rolling out of university into a decent paying job.
not to mention the zany clothes, mountains of lsd fueled fuck sessions, and the best music ever written!!
i guess people still had the same concerns, trials, tribulations, and ailments they have now back then, but it just seems so much more exhausting now. the lack of privacy these days is really getting to me. since i'm tall and exotic looking (read: kind of strange), i've had strangers come up to me lots of times and ask to take my picture. i've always said yes, thinking they will just take the snapshot home to germany or japan or wherever and glance at it maybe a few times in their lives, perhaps not even. but now it makes a creepy feeling come over me.
"they are going to put this online," i think, and then someone will download it, or at least look at it, and i will never meet that person but they will have seen me and to see me is to know me.
times are viral!
the whole world has going viral! look at all those little d-bags at the canucks riots who thought they were invisible (or didn't care) and now half the country and people all over the world have seen their zitty faces grinning as they lit up a cop car or threw a garbage can through the window of a pizza joint.
i hear there is a no hire policy for five years enforced for those individuals who were recognized. that means if they want to apply for a job as a fuckin sandwich artist at subway the owner can google the nerd's name and BOOM you, sir, are not for hire.
you are the weakest link- goodbye! (these days if you drop that line people stare at you blankly.)
you are going to be in a world of suck for a looooong time!
![]()
even the friendly neighbourhood flasher on the commuter train isn't there anymore- too many cameras. maybe he took his show on the road, or went with the classic "hide in outhouse" method.
though i heard that was an urban legend.
i'm over everything being photographed. narcissism is only fun if you pre-approve everything that is recorded, and half the fun in that is knowing your audience. if your audience is potientially the whole world, dang! no fun in that! i feel i should include an asterix here*
if a time machine ever gets invented for real- not like back to the future, or the one uncle rico bought in napoleon dynamite but a real bonfide, badass time machine- i'm setting it to a fleetwood mac concert in 1978 and having sex with 28,467 men, women and farm animals in one night on six hits of acid, a field of mushrooms, twelve grams of cocaine and three hundred handrolled marijuana cigarettes while wearing an orange corduroy thong and eating a can of spam. you can all kiss my ass. even though i'd be dead at the end of the night, at least no one would know what i'd done- unless they forgot to burn one of the polaroids.
![]()
*not that anyone gives a shit about me, or you, anyway
LOOK AT HER. I MEAN, JUST LOOK!!!!
the hair, the face, the breasts, the voice, the jumpsuit. the lack of gameplaying with the lens. the talent that you can feel, the emotion.
dude....THINGS WERE BETTER BACK THEN!
or were they??
uhhh..psssshaaaa, when it came to living in vancouver you bet your ass they were.
i've grown up hearing the stories; you and your stoner friends each throwing in 50 bucks a month to rent a seaside mansion; nude beach inspired orgies; rolling out of university into a decent paying job.
not to mention the zany clothes, mountains of lsd fueled fuck sessions, and the best music ever written!!
i guess people still had the same concerns, trials, tribulations, and ailments they have now back then, but it just seems so much more exhausting now. the lack of privacy these days is really getting to me. since i'm tall and exotic looking (read: kind of strange), i've had strangers come up to me lots of times and ask to take my picture. i've always said yes, thinking they will just take the snapshot home to germany or japan or wherever and glance at it maybe a few times in their lives, perhaps not even. but now it makes a creepy feeling come over me.
"they are going to put this online," i think, and then someone will download it, or at least look at it, and i will never meet that person but they will have seen me and to see me is to know me.
times are viral!
the whole world has going viral! look at all those little d-bags at the canucks riots who thought they were invisible (or didn't care) and now half the country and people all over the world have seen their zitty faces grinning as they lit up a cop car or threw a garbage can through the window of a pizza joint.
i hear there is a no hire policy for five years enforced for those individuals who were recognized. that means if they want to apply for a job as a fuckin sandwich artist at subway the owner can google the nerd's name and BOOM you, sir, are not for hire.
you are the weakest link- goodbye! (these days if you drop that line people stare at you blankly.)
you are going to be in a world of suck for a looooong time!
even the friendly neighbourhood flasher on the commuter train isn't there anymore- too many cameras. maybe he took his show on the road, or went with the classic "hide in outhouse" method.
though i heard that was an urban legend.
i'm over everything being photographed. narcissism is only fun if you pre-approve everything that is recorded, and half the fun in that is knowing your audience. if your audience is potientially the whole world, dang! no fun in that! i feel i should include an asterix here*
if a time machine ever gets invented for real- not like back to the future, or the one uncle rico bought in napoleon dynamite but a real bonfide, badass time machine- i'm setting it to a fleetwood mac concert in 1978 and having sex with 28,467 men, women and farm animals in one night on six hits of acid, a field of mushrooms, twelve grams of cocaine and three hundred handrolled marijuana cigarettes while wearing an orange corduroy thong and eating a can of spam. you can all kiss my ass. even though i'd be dead at the end of the night, at least no one would know what i'd done- unless they forgot to burn one of the polaroids.
*not that anyone gives a shit about me, or you, anyway
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
thank you terry fox
today marks the 30th anniversary of terry fox's death.
for those of you reading from other countries, you may or may not have heard the name. terry fox was raised just outside of my hometown, vancouver. since i was a little kid i ran the terry fox run every fall, and even throughout highschool would listen once a year as teachers, students, or anyone who wanted gave emotional speeches in his name.
terry fox died when he was only 21 years old, on june 28th, 1981. his right leg had been amputated a few years before, and though he continued to play sports in a wheelchair and run competitively, he was frustrated with the limitations his cancer imposed. he had an idea to run across canada and raise money for cancer research. he began the marathon of hope in 1980 in st. john's, newfoundland- his goal was to raise one dollar for every 24 million canadian citizens.
he was forced to stop running in thunder bay, ontario, after 143 days. he ran the equivilent of a marathon on each of those days, rain or shine, with one leg.
though i have been very lucky and healthy in this life and am blessed to have healthy people around me, i don't want to take this for granted, ever.
thank you terry fox.
![]()
for those of you reading from other countries, you may or may not have heard the name. terry fox was raised just outside of my hometown, vancouver. since i was a little kid i ran the terry fox run every fall, and even throughout highschool would listen once a year as teachers, students, or anyone who wanted gave emotional speeches in his name.
terry fox died when he was only 21 years old, on june 28th, 1981. his right leg had been amputated a few years before, and though he continued to play sports in a wheelchair and run competitively, he was frustrated with the limitations his cancer imposed. he had an idea to run across canada and raise money for cancer research. he began the marathon of hope in 1980 in st. john's, newfoundland- his goal was to raise one dollar for every 24 million canadian citizens.
he was forced to stop running in thunder bay, ontario, after 143 days. he ran the equivilent of a marathon on each of those days, rain or shine, with one leg.
though i have been very lucky and healthy in this life and am blessed to have healthy people around me, i don't want to take this for granted, ever.
thank you terry fox.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
i want the love that
makes me turn and listen to the bushes as i walk down a dark street
what is it?
>>>>> LOVE <<<<<<
it sounds so good in there
it makes every heart that walks by
skip a beat
....................................................................................................................................................................
the pages of the book are softly crisping against each other
there is a candle, perhaps, burning gently
on the table beside my bed
what is that light
what do you think it is
>>>>> LOVE <<<<<
of course
........................................................................................................................................................................
crickets in a hot desert at night
with rocks cooling and sighing beside them in the black
can only creak so brightly with
you to light them
i hear you. your persistence is attractive
since you follow gently and never push
i like when you take my hand and
guide me
.......................................................................................................................................................................
you are the only one i
>>>>> LOVE <<<<<
![]()
what is it?
>>>>> LOVE <<<<<<
it sounds so good in there
it makes every heart that walks by
skip a beat
....................................................................................................................................................................
the pages of the book are softly crisping against each other
there is a candle, perhaps, burning gently
on the table beside my bed
what is that light
what do you think it is
>>>>> LOVE <<<<<
of course
........................................................................................................................................................................
crickets in a hot desert at night
with rocks cooling and sighing beside them in the black
can only creak so brightly with
you to light them
i hear you. your persistence is attractive
since you follow gently and never push
i like when you take my hand and
guide me
.......................................................................................................................................................................
you are the only one i
>>>>> LOVE <<<<<
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
jaded me
now that i am 29, i can't believe how fast time is passing.
i used to look at a 29 year old and think: fuck!..take them out back and shoot them!
they are so old.
especially if they were clearly unsuccessful and a failure at life.
my friend tonight added, "and unmarried!"
i never noticed whether or not people were married though.
still don't.
i don't care about marriage, never have.
it seems so retarded! so impossible.
from another time. when people didn't ask questions, or travel beyond pages of the bible (or their fathers' command). before globalization, the internet, overcomplication.
honey, i'm jaded as a country singer with one black eye and a broken string on a greyhound heading back to omaha..."this will never work."
what's the point?
everyone changes, evolves or regresses, yearns to leave.
their hearts nailed to a couch with the grubby hands of children snatching. withering stares, mortgages. aging parents, cancer, alzheimers.
an obsession with pornography, drugs, youth. anything to inspire any feeling at all.
plus: everyone cheats.
i never used to, but now i do.
emotional insurance, _________ calls it.
he's a fag, and therefore has a realistic bar level in terms of expectations.
we want to fuck who we want to fuck when we want to fuck them!
we could all learn from this, if we were able to let go of our own insecurities. which, being heterosexual WASPs and emotionally stunted, is impossible.
put your balls or your pussy in a box, hand me the key, and shut your mouth when you're talking to me!
"i do."
ugh. spare me- i'm not even married or in a relationship and i'm over it.
i used to look at a 29 year old and think: fuck!..take them out back and shoot them!
they are so old.
especially if they were clearly unsuccessful and a failure at life.
my friend tonight added, "and unmarried!"
i never noticed whether or not people were married though.
still don't.
i don't care about marriage, never have.
it seems so retarded! so impossible.
from another time. when people didn't ask questions, or travel beyond pages of the bible (or their fathers' command). before globalization, the internet, overcomplication.
honey, i'm jaded as a country singer with one black eye and a broken string on a greyhound heading back to omaha..."this will never work."
what's the point?
everyone changes, evolves or regresses, yearns to leave.
their hearts nailed to a couch with the grubby hands of children snatching. withering stares, mortgages. aging parents, cancer, alzheimers.
an obsession with pornography, drugs, youth. anything to inspire any feeling at all.
plus: everyone cheats.
i never used to, but now i do.
emotional insurance, _________ calls it.
he's a fag, and therefore has a realistic bar level in terms of expectations.
we want to fuck who we want to fuck when we want to fuck them!
we could all learn from this, if we were able to let go of our own insecurities. which, being heterosexual WASPs and emotionally stunted, is impossible.
put your balls or your pussy in a box, hand me the key, and shut your mouth when you're talking to me!
"i do."
ugh. spare me- i'm not even married or in a relationship and i'm over it.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
bring me something
change is the best
if it happened everyday there would be no need for periodic drastic change
it would just be consistent, natural, organic, and flowing one event into the next
breakfast lunch dinner
meet greet defeat
i'm loving these new days of noneventfulness and work and routine
with change being something i need not acknowledge
for right now at least
it just happens
and happens
again
i guess today was full. like tuesday or saturday it just came and went and here i am at the end of it, saying "seeya later" and
"what the hell happened today",
retrospect being less than nothing.
a bottle of pinot and who cares about time and circumstance, professionalism, names to remember and
moreover:
who cares about chapters in life
unfolding daily yet not impressing me at all.
and YOU!
you're like gravel in my shoe that follows my footprint everywhere
annoying and still a part of me
and you are together
and you annoy me
and follow me
and leave your prints on my cups and my lips ache
your full mouth dirty and swirling with words
my eyes dropping to the ground imagining with each step your pebble is there!
go away
and yet stay!
stay with me
forever would be the best,
i'm a highschool kid with a flaming case of something.
you gave it to me.
thank you
if it happened everyday there would be no need for periodic drastic change
it would just be consistent, natural, organic, and flowing one event into the next
breakfast lunch dinner
meet greet defeat
i'm loving these new days of noneventfulness and work and routine
with change being something i need not acknowledge
for right now at least
it just happens
and happens
again
i guess today was full. like tuesday or saturday it just came and went and here i am at the end of it, saying "seeya later" and
"what the hell happened today",
retrospect being less than nothing.
a bottle of pinot and who cares about time and circumstance, professionalism, names to remember and
moreover:
who cares about chapters in life
unfolding daily yet not impressing me at all.
and YOU!
you're like gravel in my shoe that follows my footprint everywhere
annoying and still a part of me
and you are together
and you annoy me
and follow me
and leave your prints on my cups and my lips ache
your full mouth dirty and swirling with words
my eyes dropping to the ground imagining with each step your pebble is there!
go away
and yet stay!
stay with me
forever would be the best,
i'm a highschool kid with a flaming case of something.
you gave it to me.
thank you
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
commandments
buy land, cuz god ain't makin any more of it.
yeah, thanks! tell "god" he can kiss my ass...and speaking of land, i'm moving to rural BC, the uncharted part, where no other human vermin can find me.
"god" is happy to let too much slide on this planet, and i'm sick of hearing about it!
with kazillions of hypocrites "praising" him.
pass the hat and grab a brain!
it's time to get realistic:
resources
production
globalization
food
land
water
natural disasters
disease
...we have more important things to think about than what happens after we die.
on earth right now... a creepy world
entire cities built with no one to inhabit them. massive lakes with hundreds of thousands of gold fish and real estate and towers and stadiums and hotels and not a soul inhabiting. i am legend... hold the movie star. talk to china about finance and about starvation- masters of duality, as we here in the western world strive to be, swiping credit cards and hoping no one will notice...where is the money? there is none (for so many), but there are factories. and there is always productivity.
and global takeover.
the chinese are smarter, faster, and
better
than
you.
with ideas and money to make things happen.
let's be honest
money
is god
and
the
house
of
god
is
a
b a n k.
our problems
such dichotomy should not exist.
and if god existed, he surely would not allow it
or have created a species who does.
yeah, thanks! tell "god" he can kiss my ass...and speaking of land, i'm moving to rural BC, the uncharted part, where no other human vermin can find me.
"god" is happy to let too much slide on this planet, and i'm sick of hearing about it!
with kazillions of hypocrites "praising" him.
pass the hat and grab a brain!
it's time to get realistic:
resources
production
globalization
food
land
water
natural disasters
disease
...we have more important things to think about than what happens after we die.
on earth right now... a creepy world
entire cities built with no one to inhabit them. massive lakes with hundreds of thousands of gold fish and real estate and towers and stadiums and hotels and not a soul inhabiting. i am legend... hold the movie star. talk to china about finance and about starvation- masters of duality, as we here in the western world strive to be, swiping credit cards and hoping no one will notice...where is the money? there is none (for so many), but there are factories. and there is always productivity.
and global takeover.
the chinese are smarter, faster, and
better
than
you.
with ideas and money to make things happen.
one of china's empty cities
money
is god
and
the
house
of
god
is
a
b a n k.
the future of your planet
our worldour problems
such dichotomy should not exist.
and if god existed, he surely would not allow it
or have created a species who does.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
the scroll
recently i have been discovered, and outed, by my own media.
i'm not referring to the instantly accessible and vacuous land of social networking,or even emailing or faxing. because faxes are sheets of paper sailing quickly and invisibly through the atmosphere, they are very hard to intercept.
nor am i referring to someone eavesdropping on a phone call or rooting through my mailbox to tear open a secret letter with glee. no sir...
i'm talking about the scroll.
i keep a scroll in a glass tube duct taped to the underside of my bed. glued to the outside of the scroll are several seagull feathers and the skeleton of a minnow for a "message in a bottle" kind of effect- it looks great, and every time i stick my head under there to look i feel like christopher columbus without the hat.
i'm not referring to the instantly accessible and vacuous land of social networking,or even emailing or faxing. because faxes are sheets of paper sailing quickly and invisibly through the atmosphere, they are very hard to intercept.
nor am i referring to someone eavesdropping on a phone call or rooting through my mailbox to tear open a secret letter with glee. no sir...
i'm talking about the scroll.
i keep a scroll in a glass tube duct taped to the underside of my bed. glued to the outside of the scroll are several seagull feathers and the skeleton of a minnow for a "message in a bottle" kind of effect- it looks great, and every time i stick my head under there to look i feel like christopher columbus without the hat.
the ship navigates the stormy waters of the subconscious
what is contained in the bottle?
the scroll of my life:
the story of how i grew.
the bottle which popped from my lips as warm, squirming baby.
the screaming in my brother's face at age seven.
_____'s dad's stolen "green death" cigarettes at tweleve. the black woods where we went at night, stupidly, to smoke them.
the virginity that was taken in an almost holy manner at sixteen- the sweat, the candles, the absurdity.
the long road trip at twenty-one. two weeks in the car, never once behind the wheel!
the breakup at twenty-six that goes on and on.
the rain tonight as i walked in my new shoes downtown, umbrella pointing to the sky.
retrospect written in code on the scroll in the glass case of my life under the bed.
these stories have not been written for me, they have been written for you to hear. evaluate, compare and contrast.
ask me anything- i want to tell.
and i want to hear, too.
where do you keep your bottle?
what is contained in the bottle?
the scroll of my life:
the story of how i grew.
the bottle which popped from my lips as warm, squirming baby.
the screaming in my brother's face at age seven.
_____'s dad's stolen "green death" cigarettes at tweleve. the black woods where we went at night, stupidly, to smoke them.
the virginity that was taken in an almost holy manner at sixteen- the sweat, the candles, the absurdity.
the long road trip at twenty-one. two weeks in the car, never once behind the wheel!
the breakup at twenty-six that goes on and on.
the rain tonight as i walked in my new shoes downtown, umbrella pointing to the sky.
retrospect written in code on the scroll in the glass case of my life under the bed.
these stories have not been written for me, they have been written for you to hear. evaluate, compare and contrast.
ask me anything- i want to tell.
and i want to hear, too.
where do you keep your bottle?
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
missing you
trying to leave love that is deep inside you is complete denial.
like scooping out a baby that you want to carry full term, it's so gentle in there, waiting to be recognized and nurtured
so hungry this love
undeniable, the instinct to breathe as natural
and no matter where i turn it's inside me
throbbing and waiting
my mind returns to really lighthearted times and it's nice
your back in the sun, that deep line that runs down the middle and into the base, muscles that flex and relax under touch, and i watch you holding things in your hand
like keys or a bottle
it seems so impressive and now i'm
swinging my hand back and forth pretending i'm you
scuttling with your head down and the white smile of a shark
im stuck here.
in love with an idea which became reality against odds
through hard work and pleasure and jetfuel
and credit cards and pasta twirling around a fork and
pinot noir swirling in a glass.
you are the best
like scooping out a baby that you want to carry full term, it's so gentle in there, waiting to be recognized and nurtured
so hungry this love
undeniable, the instinct to breathe as natural
and no matter where i turn it's inside me
throbbing and waiting
my mind returns to really lighthearted times and it's nice
your back in the sun, that deep line that runs down the middle and into the base, muscles that flex and relax under touch, and i watch you holding things in your hand
like keys or a bottle
it seems so impressive and now i'm
swinging my hand back and forth pretending i'm you
scuttling with your head down and the white smile of a shark
im stuck here.
in love with an idea which became reality against odds
through hard work and pleasure and jetfuel
and credit cards and pasta twirling around a fork and
pinot noir swirling in a glass.
you are the best
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
elizabeth
rest in peace...what else can you say
though it has a predictable tone to it
it is respectful
and i would like to thank this legend for her contribution to womankind.
she was loved by wild men and tamed them
(__________'s letters to her made me cry when they were published this year).
her headstrong passion, sexuality and talent
we can all learn from.
though it has a predictable tone to it
it is respectful
and i would like to thank this legend for her contribution to womankind.
(__________'s letters to her made me cry when they were published this year).
her headstrong passion, sexuality and talent
we can all learn from.
Monday, March 21, 2011
inspiration
dance like you're not the whitest tool on earth
love like you're never heard of a restraining order
sing like you just shit yourself on american idol
live like heaven is complete denial of reality
love like you're never heard of a restraining order
sing like you just shit yourself on american idol
live like heaven is complete denial of reality
Sunday, March 20, 2011
teach me how
to sew hems
to dance comfortably in a classical way with a man (ballroom, waltz)
to not over explain things
to drive on the other side of the road
to fillet a fish
to speak italian
to not be stubborn
to read a map
to practise perserverance
to enjoy mustard and other evil condiments
to do things alone
to meditate
to accept people who make grammatical errors
to buy my own socks
to eat slowly
to let things go
to dance comfortably in a classical way with a man (ballroom, waltz)
to not over explain things
to drive on the other side of the road
to fillet a fish
to speak italian
to not be stubborn
to read a map
to practise perserverance
to enjoy mustard and other evil condiments
to do things alone
to meditate
to accept people who make grammatical errors
to buy my own socks
to eat slowly
to let things go
unchain my heart
pleeeeeeeeeease!
how long will it take?
the dude abides.
Friday, March 18, 2011
images
my world is reduced to images
i'm looking through a microscope and the focus goes in and out until clarity comes quick and sharp
a black man faces the eiffel tower; buddha faces the couch that curves perfectly
for two bodies foot to foot
and the lights are dim and warm
tonight is a small world
water glasses refilled and socks padding across the floor
not really going anywhere
at all
the blinds have slats with a fine coating of dust
and the bath is getting grimy
like teeth do after too much sugar
but the sheets are well worn and clean
and ready
tonight is a small world and one person
lives here
i'm looking through a microscope and the focus goes in and out until clarity comes quick and sharp
a black man faces the eiffel tower; buddha faces the couch that curves perfectly
for two bodies foot to foot
and the lights are dim and warm
tonight is a small world
water glasses refilled and socks padding across the floor
not really going anywhere
at all
the blinds have slats with a fine coating of dust
and the bath is getting grimy
like teeth do after too much sugar
but the sheets are well worn and clean
and ready
tonight is a small world and one person
lives here
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
everything sounds better in scottish
ohhhh ayyyyye
just a little shout out to _____, a longtime friend and scottish sensation, for being just that.
a supportive, consistent and grounded girl with a cheery face and easy disposition. her gorgeous face with its light dusting of freckles, and swinging around it that multidimensional golden hair- she brings to mind sexy and impish at once- and she always lights up the hours i'm around her.
thank you _____! keep doing what you're doing, good things are coming to you.
FAT BASTARD: one of the hottest scots around (but i like full figured men).
SOOOOO TRUE.
just a little shout out to _____, a longtime friend and scottish sensation, for being just that.
a supportive, consistent and grounded girl with a cheery face and easy disposition. her gorgeous face with its light dusting of freckles, and swinging around it that multidimensional golden hair- she brings to mind sexy and impish at once- and she always lights up the hours i'm around her.
thank you _____! keep doing what you're doing, good things are coming to you.
in other news, stanley park: wow!
raindrops are fat and delicious today. the air thick and grey and soupy in that march way. little buds are coming out on the magnolias, pussywillows look sweet and fuzzy, and i jumped for joy when i saw cherry trees blossoming beside the lagoon! the swans and ducklings were floating in the water and seemed warm and content enough; then, as i was turning away, a giant raccoon wobbled by with its davy crockett tail bushing out behind him. his nose was a wet black marble and he must have been busily sniffing out the skunks and squirrels scampering around, enjoying his role as mightiest of the small-to-midsized forest dwellers.
...and on we go. this time of year brings change and resoluteness. i am always too busy trying to survive winter to do anything noteworthy during that time (at least it would seem that way) but as spring springs, so do i. my steps seem a little lighter and i do my mental and emotional cleaning up. my brain flops down a staircase like a slinky in the winter but as the days get longer i can pick it up and dangle it and swing it around. by summer i'm soaping up the slip-n-slide.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
where is the action people?
it's hard to believe there are no ways to get yourself into this kind of trouble on a daily basis.
for example- where are all the shirtless men hanging out in underground parkades?
i've never seen one.
the closest i've gotten was a pantsless one pissing on the door to the stairwell.
so unfair. meanwhile there are hot brunette girls in spandex pants and those aritzia jackets with the fake fur lining every ten feet. i can't leave the house without tripping over one.
they look so "pretty". even the word is simple and bland. the entire city got the memo 'boring in 2011' and memorized every word.
the guys all look like they got their ass whupped by the 1990's. really...square toed dress shoes? stove pipe pants? and they STILL get laid, since girls here are so desperate for cock they have to overlook giant babies who don't cook, dress like shit, have bad haircuts and only want to eat at cactus club (and split the bill).
seriously, if more people were hood-wrestling in parkades i'd go out more than once every few days.
i'd even settle for a grandfather tackling me onto the hood of a k-car at this point.
apparently men get labotomies at birth here, personality swap with the deceased at age ten, and a thorough style removal at fifteen.
what hope is there for the attractive yet clinically insane (sorry, there is a giant mirror here)?
biebs knows what's up: frat jackets they sold at roots in the 90's. undeniably canadian.
Friday, February 25, 2011
job
They are going very very slow
Strolling girls and low slung bags over shoulders
All I know today on this, the day
The window opened and out flew my soul
It’s cold outside and with every slinking minute I grow bold
Such is the life I apparently strive to live
And the purpose of it wanes and waxes
Extremely stupid
That’s ok
I get better
And you
Competition
Shrinks into a little spark and disappears
Thursday, February 24, 2011
life's a beach
sun, mon.
that is me with a jamaican accent.
i'm wearing a rainbow hat with dreadlocks stitched onto it and no clothes and i've jacked the heat up
to 32 degrees and my living room windows have fake sunshine scenes mounted and i covered my couch in towels and rented a dumptruck.
earlier today, i drove the truck to the beach and filled it with a shitload of sand. i almost got caught by the parks board but i was wearing an orange reflector vest i found in a dumpster, plus a fake mustache which is glued on very securely (i only had superglue at home) so i looked legit.
i backed the truck into the lane and spent a few hours carrying buckets of sand into my apartment, scattering it layer upon layer until it was a foot high, and then i formed it into a crescent shape. i sat down and rested for an hour until it was dark.
i went across the street to my neighbour's yard and, as quietly as possible, sawed off a tree i had picked out earlier in the week. it was about a foot thick- perfect. not too much sap either, and since it is winter, no pesky leaves. i dragged it off their lawn, weaving back and forth so they would not know which direction i was headed once i got it on the sidewalk. once inside and positioned on the sand, it was a perfect beach log.
i ran warm bath full force until it overflowed, and i watched with glee as water rushed out of my bathroom, down the hall, and into the living room. it took several hours for only a few inches of ocean, but the crescent of sand held up beautifully, as i knew it would. i waded through and used half a bottle of blue food colouring creating the perfect "caribbean hue".
lights, camera, action: on went the heat lamps (stolen from sears- no one checks the patio department in the off season), on went the 30 spf (you can never be too careful) and on went the bikini bottoms (i threw care to the wind and went topless). blender drinks for one are so much fun! and who doesn't love bob marley.
i'm never getting a roommate. i've always found them to be neat freaks.
that is me with a jamaican accent.
i'm wearing a rainbow hat with dreadlocks stitched onto it and no clothes and i've jacked the heat up
to 32 degrees and my living room windows have fake sunshine scenes mounted and i covered my couch in towels and rented a dumptruck.
earlier today, i drove the truck to the beach and filled it with a shitload of sand. i almost got caught by the parks board but i was wearing an orange reflector vest i found in a dumpster, plus a fake mustache which is glued on very securely (i only had superglue at home) so i looked legit.
i backed the truck into the lane and spent a few hours carrying buckets of sand into my apartment, scattering it layer upon layer until it was a foot high, and then i formed it into a crescent shape. i sat down and rested for an hour until it was dark.
i went across the street to my neighbour's yard and, as quietly as possible, sawed off a tree i had picked out earlier in the week. it was about a foot thick- perfect. not too much sap either, and since it is winter, no pesky leaves. i dragged it off their lawn, weaving back and forth so they would not know which direction i was headed once i got it on the sidewalk. once inside and positioned on the sand, it was a perfect beach log.
i ran warm bath full force until it overflowed, and i watched with glee as water rushed out of my bathroom, down the hall, and into the living room. it took several hours for only a few inches of ocean, but the crescent of sand held up beautifully, as i knew it would. i waded through and used half a bottle of blue food colouring creating the perfect "caribbean hue".
lights, camera, action: on went the heat lamps (stolen from sears- no one checks the patio department in the off season), on went the 30 spf (you can never be too careful) and on went the bikini bottoms (i threw care to the wind and went topless). blender drinks for one are so much fun! and who doesn't love bob marley.
i'm never getting a roommate. i've always found them to be neat freaks.
Monday, February 21, 2011
city maze
the city in winter. how can i change my spectrum? i'm awaiting springtime with the crocus who tremble with the new frost each morning. they bend down and hug the earth and wait for the strong spring sunshine to warm their backs and help them stand.
the months are sneaking by; we are getting there. but on the dark days the streets take on tall, frightening bushlike qualities. the sun not so visible. winding black rivers into drainpipes, the runoff of snow and cold rain, collecting flickering leaves that beckon in their last airborne seconds like hands waving.
we all run around so discontent. i love seeing people who radiate satisfaction and gratefulness. most of my life i have been that person.
but it's hard to break out of a slump. whatever you call it- limbo, unsteady, rocky, lacking, frustrating, lackluster, nightmarish, unsettled- it holds you like a jealous lover. it's frighteningly hard to break free. it strangles the words from my throat and it sounds so lame to say that; so cliche, but i'm wrestling with invisible chains of my own creation, fumbling for hedgeclippers.
putting it out there for the world to see is liberating.
the months are sneaking by; we are getting there. but on the dark days the streets take on tall, frightening bushlike qualities. the sun not so visible. winding black rivers into drainpipes, the runoff of snow and cold rain, collecting flickering leaves that beckon in their last airborne seconds like hands waving.
we all run around so discontent. i love seeing people who radiate satisfaction and gratefulness. most of my life i have been that person.
but it's hard to break out of a slump. whatever you call it- limbo, unsteady, rocky, lacking, frustrating, lackluster, nightmarish, unsettled- it holds you like a jealous lover. it's frighteningly hard to break free. it strangles the words from my throat and it sounds so lame to say that; so cliche, but i'm wrestling with invisible chains of my own creation, fumbling for hedgeclippers.
putting it out there for the world to see is liberating.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
watch dis
it's alright y'all, here we are to put you in a good mood with food
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzaURfgehHc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzaURfgehHc
Sunday, February 13, 2011
you're all in trouble
everyone is boring except _____. she is the coolest person in the world.
why can't everyone be her (and me)?
in a recent survey held, it was found that that everyone on earth had similar wishes.
they were also too scared to state otherwise.
there was a pile of switches and spike heels beside the examiner's table
and a firehose hooked up to a hydrant connected to a reservoir of tequila
and strippers in masks gyrating around a midget on a unicycle eating a sandwich
while his grandmother got a lapdance and eight shirtless highschool seniors
reenacted a rugby game in slow-motion and then poured
gatorade all over each other while i lead them in a rousing cheer
and _____ kicked each interviewee in the face.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
soup's on, bitch
oh yah
recipe for simple, detoxifying and delicious green soup:
four crowns broccoli
two yellow onions
one bunch kale
three cloves garlic
two tbsp coconut oil
bunch cilantro
bunch parsley
salt
fresh cracked pepper
to make:
*add onion and garlic to warmed oil; sautee over medium for 5 mins
*add chopped broccoli and chopped kale, sautee another 5 mins
*cover with water, bring to boil, then simmer for 25 minss
*add fresh cilantro and parsley, salt to taste (i like shitloads) and optional:
tamari and miso for an asian flavour, honey and apple cider vinegar for sweeter flavour
one more option:
drain off over half of the broth (freeze and use for future vegetable stock if you want; drink for vitamins now if feeling hardcore) and add:
*1.5 cups unsweetened plain almond or soy milk for a mild, creamy soup
*1 can coconut milk and a generous shake of curry powder (yellow or green work) for thai flavour
PUREE SOUP, IN BATCHES, NO MATTER WHICH RECIPE YOU USE.
...look out, liver!
Friday, February 11, 2011
on the importance of preparation
THE FOLLOWING IS IN RESPONSE TO AN ONLINE QUESTION REGARDING ADVICE ON QUICK AND EASY MEALS. THE ADVISOR (FROM WWW.HEALTHYAWARENESS.COM) TACTFULLY AND SUCCINCTLY EXPLAINS WHAT I BELIEVE TO BE TRUE:
"I am afraid I will be of no help in giving you quick food ideas, but I would like, if I may, to express myself on food in general. In this culture, we have funny ideas about food. We cannot take the time to prepare it, which implies it is of low worth to us, but then we will pay large sums in fancy restaurants and such for others to do the work for us and serve us the rich and poorly combined food that promotes our illnesses. We tend to put our jobs, our leisure, our relationships ahead of food, something without which, none of those things would be concerning us. I see at least a part of the struggle with candidiasis as a healing of our relationship to food --- the thing we do not live and breathe without. There is nothing anymore important than this, nothing, yet we want it fast, furious, and deadly.
I too have a very busy job at a university and have stresses as well with which to deal, but until I began putting nutrition first and healing my relationship to food, I made very little headway with this affliction. Now, in spite of how busy I am or all else that needs being done, twice a day, I find a way to tie on my apron, cease all else, bow low, and enter my kitchen to prepare my “medicine,” my food. There is no more beautiful thing in my life. These meal-makings have become sustenance for me in more ways than one -- both physically and spiritually. This may sound very silly, but my kitchen has become my temple, for in it, I find nutrients for both the body and soul. The more I give over to each meal experience, the more I receive. Healthy food made with attentiveness and appreciative wonder tastes entirely different from food made in distraction or haste.
I hope this does not sound too silly to you, but this is very much the case for me. As I mentioned, until I gave myself permission to forsake all else, suspend all other worries and take whatever time is needed to eat healthy everyday, my progress was fitful and slow. I cannot tell each and every one of you how to make time for this. Each has to first understand its importance before you can understand that you CAN unseat your career, your stresses, your leisure and your relationships from top spot of energy draw, and in their place, place food, without which you do none of these things anyway. I meant not to discomfort you with this soapbox (nor did I mean to soapbox!), but everyone here shares their successful ideas, and this one is mine. Make as important as your life the living things you eat, and wonderful healing can come about on more levels than just one."
-an except from www.healthyawareness.com
EASY THINGS YOU CAN DO FOR HEALTHY INTESTINES:
since educating myself about the importance of digestion in bodily function, it is a mild obsession of mine. i'm not like one of those old men taking metamucil and obsessing about bowel movements, but i would be if my diet did not provide me with natural cleansing and elimination. the average adult carries 4-40 extra lbs of compacted waste inside their intestines and colon (i used to think it was normal to go to the bathroom every one to three days). this is an absolute disgrace and one that is not addressed since pharmaceutical and diet companies make an absolute fortune off the SAD (standard american diet) and it's related devastation on the body, in this instance bloating, i.b.s., chrones, colitis, constipation, gas, acid reflux, allergies, and the list goes on.
1. first thing in the morning, drink a cup of warm water with half a lemon squeeze.
benefits: alkalizing; bypasses stomach directly to bowels and aids in elimination; hydrating.
2. reduce sugar, and MASSIVELY REDUCE REFINED CARBOHYDRATE INTAKE. nothing white! you may want to reduce grain consumption of all types if extremely constipated, and eat more fresh foods. chew slowly, and reduce portions. if acutely bloated, blending foods and drinking fresh fruit and veggie juices will help deliver minerals without creating extra work for your organs. soups are easy and taste delicious and creamy when blended!
3. Exercise. This stimulates blood flow and digestion. Even a brisk walk will benefit. A good stretch afterwards, which stimulates the colon, is to lie on your back, and pull one knee at a time up into your shoulder for 30 seconds, then hug both your knees into your chest for 30 seconds, repeating.
4. Take probiotics. Ask a naturopath or even someone at a health food store to recommend a good one. These are great for immune support, healthy internal organs, digestion, and avoiding yeast (thrush) systemically.
MAKE SURE THEY ARE NON-DAIRY. you can get the exact same benefits in soy or rice based drinks or a basic capsule as you can from yogurt: fermented cow's milk with shitloads of added sugar (or more commonly, splenda or another cancer and alzheimers forming friend). i love bio-K (pictured above).
5. Try a cleanse! It may cause your family or friends to tease you or call you a drag since you won't be drinking with them, but you will feel like a new shiny car at the end of it. I really like the Wild Rose cleanse, but try any that are slanted towards freeing the body of candida, sugars, and free radicals, and that aid in intestinal/colon cleansing. Many come with herbal laxatives that sound scary but are great for a kick start.
6. Do your own cooking. Don't eat out for a week or two and see the money you save and how your weight stabilizes. When we eat out we tend to pig out (at least I do) and consume way more oils, chemicals, fats and volume than we would at home. Focus on eating vegetarian and as little dairy and sugar as possible (none if you want best results).
7. Try a colonic. Just do it. There are worse things than a hose up your butt for half an hour, and the waves of sheer pleasure and inner cleanliness afterwards are astounding. Also astounding: watching the frightening things that come out of your organs (think neon green toxins from the gall bladder and liver). Also astounding: how flat your stomach is afterwards. Also astounding: the technicians wanting to do that all day for a living.
8. However much water you drink, double it. Flush flush flush!
Good luck and remember, happy intestines = happy you!
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